Date: Sometime in mid August 2010
Date Written: Sept. 5 2010
Location: The Davidson Library at UCSB
As I was walking in the study room to do my Math 5C homework, I noticed an incredibly attractive girl walking in before me. At first glance she was a minimum 4 star but after talking with her more I think her rating should go up to at least a 4.5 star (If your wondering what these ratings mean I use a revised version of the Tucker Max rating system which you can check out at his website, its seriously way better than the 1 to 10 rating system). She is tall, not taller than me, has brown hair, is white, and is wearing a kind of asian style eyeliner. As she walked in I immediately noted where she sat and promptly sat down across from her (this was not in any way an overt move because there were no other completely empty tables, which, had I no interest in her, I probably would have sat at). I decided to initiate passive game on her. I start out by doing my work for about 15 min, then realize I am hungry and want to go eat. I ask the girl across from me (the girl who I mentioned earlier in case you dumbfucks weren’t paying attention) how long she is going to be here. She says “awhile” and offers to watch my stuff.
I leave to get some food for about 40 min and return to the study room. I sit down and ask her
“how’s it coming along?”
She gives one of those “meh” looks and says “eh not that well”
I laugh a little, smile, and reply with “well you have to stop checking your facebook updates every 5min.”
She maybe chuckled at that but I’m not quite sure. Anyway that conversation pretty much ended, which was actually what I had intended. Since this was passive game I went back to my work. After about 45min to an hour I was pretty much done with my work but left one or two easy problems to have somewhat of an excuse to stay there and spit game.
I look over at her and say
“Any progress?”
She is not looking at me and to top it off she was listening to her headphones. She takes off her headphones and says “I’m sorry, what?”
I smile “I said have you made any progress?”
“meh not really”
I laugh and say “alright well what are you studying?”
I half expect a curt answer but she says that she is studying a paper on Richard Nixon, or something like that. She said that she gets angry that history has labeled him as a horrible president when he was actually pretty good. Boys, it seems like we have an intellectual to deal with here. Now I’m not an expert at game because I happen to only by 18 years old, but I do know that it is important to not look like a dumbass when talking to an intellectual girl so I replied with
“well he did rig an election.”
“No he didn’t”
“I thought the Watergate scandal was about him trying to rig the election.”
“No Watergate was a scandal that Nixon tried to cover up but was not actually involved in.”
After looking it up on Wikipedia she turned out to be right. So operation not looking like a dumbass failed miserably. However I decide to not be such a pussy and give up to easily so I explain to her that I actually admire Richard Nixon because he was a man who came from nothing, was defeated numerous times and was eventually elected president of the United States. She agrees with me. Good save Lloyd, Good save.
I found out that she does not even go to UCSB and that she is a senior at Duke University. She lives here in Santa Barbara and is taking classes for the summer. I found out she loves the same shows as me Its Always Sunny, Archer, and she is a fan of Entourage. This confused me because Entourage is blatantly a guy show, and lets be honest the only reason why any guy watches Entourage is so they can get a glimpse of the luxury lifestyle that celebrities lead when they accomplish their dreams while the viewer’s shithole of a life will never come close to it. But I inquire as to why she likes such a show. In her own words
“It’s got fast cars, money, and sex what’s not to like?”
I like this girl. (And for the dummies not paying attention the fact that she even brought up sex with me is a GOOD thing) I also find out that she watches Star Wars habitually, and is in a sorority. Upon hearing her interests I playfully comment
“So let me get this straight, you watch Entourage and Star Wars habitually, and you like fast cars, money and sex…. Your boyfriend must be a very happy guy.”
She replies “Well he was… Until I dumped his ass.”
And it… is…. ON!
Let me take a minute to explain to those mentally retarded in social interaction that this is a MASSIVE indicator of interest. Had she not wanted me to know she was single she would have laughed and not answered the statement or agreed with it and started talking about this boyfriend, or ignored the statement entirely. But she made it blatantly clear that she was single and thus essentially handed me a handwritten invitation to hit on her further. I accept the invitation. And continue to spit game.
I find out that her ex- boyfriend was not “a looker” but he was “funny as fuck.” So I decide to show her how funny I can be and unleash witty one liner Lloyd. For those of you who have hung out with me in certain situations you know that when I am bored or just feel like it I will practically go into my own comedic routine, making fun of everything that I hear or see that I can think of a joke for and rip on everything that mildly annoys me. Now I don’t mean to brag but I’ve had girls reduced to tears when I am in this state before (these are tears of laughter not sadness by the way gentlemen). But my game was most definitely not cutting it that day and she only seriously broke out laughing a few times, most of the time I got chuckles from her. Great. It annoys me when people don’t laugh at my jokes, I’m hilarious… Laugh!
Anyway since “witty one liner Lloyd” seemed to be doing about as well as the Hindenburg did on its maiden voyage I decided to be “vague and aloof Lloyd.” This is what people do when they want to feign wisdom and act smart when they really don’t know jack shit. That seemed to work alright I suppose. But there was a problem, the round table, I was sitting across from her with, wasn’t anywhere near intimate enough. I mean we were talking fairly loudly across the chasm that was separating us, and I would estimate that no less than everyone sitting in the immediate and non-immediate vicinity was listening to me blatantly hit on this girl. So when she asked me
“what are you doing?”
I replied with “I’m having trouble with this problem, here come take a look at it.”
And I walked over to her side and sat down so she could see my computer screen. Now we were right next to each other. Of course I knew she would never be able to come anywhere near to solving it, I mean she was smart and all but there is no way this political science girl had even passed college level calculus and this was advanced Multivariable Calculus. But say what you will it got me where I wanted.
Anyway now that we are in a more intimate setting she starts talking about how she was involved in research. I asked what she did and she said that she was part of a project that tested subjects to find out the negative effects of cocaine. She said that the long term effects were harmful but for the occasional recreational user the effects were negligible. It was nothing I didn’t already know, but I acted interested. We talk more about the drugs we’ve done and the ones we liked and didn’t like. I like this girl even more.
Anyway she started showing me her sorority pictures and commenting on how stupid the girls in there are. Finally a fellow girl who understands that sororities are just like brothels, except of course without the dignity. She shows me one picture (and this is where it gets interesting) of a kinda chubby nerdy guy with a jewfro. He is standing right next to her and I can kinda tell from the picture that this guy is into her. She points at him and says
“That’s Mike Posner.”
“Mike Posner!?” I say “The guy whose song “Cooler than Me” is a nationwide hit and is now charting in the top ten of the billboard hot 100?!”
“yeah he went to Duke.” She laughs “He had a little bit of a crush on me for most of the school year.”
I laugh even harder and then say “Then you’re the girl then.”
“The what?”
“The girl whose cooler than him”
“Oh no, I’m definitely not the girl, my roommate swears it’s her.”
Upon hearing this I do not hesitate to probe further, and by the end of the conversation I was 95% sure that she was indeed the girl. I mean during the conversation she told me that after he got famous he tried blatantly to pull her back into a hotel room, but she wouldn’t go. And after hearing him talk about it in interviews, I’m pretty sure she’s the girl that inspired the song (By the way if you’ve never heard the song, listen to it and you’ll know what I’m talking about).
I tease her about it for a bit. And am secretly laughing about it in my head that I have the girl whose the subject of one of the most popular songs in the nation right now. We keep talking and I can’t help but think of a million ways this could go wrong. I mean I have picked up girls who were older than me before. If you guys are wondering I don’t know her exact age but obviously she was at least as old as Posner, who is 22, if anyone is wondering. But from looking at her she was probably 23… I am 18 and the most famous person I ever met was Leonard Susskind, ever heard of him? Didn’t think so.
But my friend invited me to party and I was done with my work and I knew it was important to end on a high note. So I began packing up my stuff, and she said
“Are you leaving?”
“Yes”
She replied “Well I’d ask for your facebook, but I know you never sign on.” (Which I told her earlier, and its true I almost never sign on anymore)
I laugh and say “Well how about we get coffee sometime instead?”
She smiles and says “Sure, do you want my number.”
I smile back give her my phone. She puts her number. Mission accomplished! Now time to pretend like I do this all the time and walk out. Afterwards I send her a text message. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was something like this
Lloyd: Hey its Lloyd so you won’t have a stranger messaging you latr
Bianca (This is not her real name by the way gents): Haha I know you’re a physics major and all but I hate to break it to you its spelled “later”
Lloyd: I hate to break it to you but I don’t preoccupy myself with grammatical rules when I am texting. J
The smiley is important by the way. She never responded which is fine considering it was not at all indicative of a response. Anyway this happened on a Thursday, I waited four days because I wanted to see her during the week and I sent her a text message asking her if she wanted to get coffee the next day. She never responded, I text her again not with the same question but with just a generic funny statement. She doesn’t respond. I send her a friend request on facebook, signing on for the first time in two months, and she still doesn’t respond. What the fuck?! I mean we talked for no less than two hours, she abandoned her studying completely just to talk to me and agreed to meet me on a date. I seriously have no idea why she did this. Whoever is reading this if you have any idea why she didn’t respond to me then please I am all ears. Because for the moment, at least, I guess I’m just going to have to assume that she thinks she’s Cooler Than Me
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