Freshman Follies

Date of occurrence: Sometime between Late September to mid October 2009

Date Written: Sept. 20, 2010

Location: Isla Vista/UCSB

It was fall quarter of my freshman year and I had already spent a summer quarter doing crazy dumb shit in the FSSP program at UCSB (also known as the Fuck Stupid Slutty People program) just kidding it didn’t really stand for that but seriously there was a lot of fucking during those 6 weeks. When I mean fucking, I mean I would go to a party, game a girl for an hour, hook up with her in front of a bunch of people, bring her back to my room and do everything except actually have sex. I was seriously pissed off at this point. I mean come on ladies if you’re going to make out and dry hump a guy for an hour in front of everyone at the party, and then clearly walk into his dorm room afterward you are already labeled as a slut so there is absolutely no reason not to put out once he takes you back because even if you don’t have sex everyone will think you did.

Anyway back to fall quarter. At this time I was 17 and had only stuck my dick in between my four fingers and thumb so far and was ready to solve this problem. Fortunately I was able to in a one night stand, that, to put it bluntly, was fucking horrible for a number of reasons:

1. Even though the girl who I had relentlessly gamed for the better part of an hour was practically sucking my dick at the party, she refused to even do doggy when we were fucking. What a bitch! Ladies just because you don’t do doggystyle, doesn’t mean you are not a slut, it means you are dumb whore.

2. Despite the fact that she was a very cute girl with a pretty nice body I still arrogantly felt that she was far below me, and her intelligence did not help her cause (not that I went back to her dorm room because of her outstanding personality though.

3. Condoms ruin everything, they suck.

4. Fuck tequila, this was the first and last time I ever drank that horrible excuse for an alcoholic beverage. The Jose Cuervo I had had that night tasted akin to shit from a dung beetle (and dung beetles eat shit for dinner). So every time I made out with this girl I had to taste her and my Jose Cuervo breath. As gross as this was, I was a gentleman and so I powered through and still fucked her. Oh the things I do for you ladies.

So even though I had gotten laid and probably gained some respect and admiration from my peers I felt worse in the long run from the event.

Ok so while having sex for the first time might seem like the acme of this story, it isn’t, and to be perfectly honest I don’t place any importance on my first time. It’s the first time so it’s never going to be that great and pretty much everyone has sex so I did not place much importance or uniqueness to this event. Now the real story begins the day after. After having a night of drinking and sex that night, that had in my opinion ended badly, I decided to do what any new incoming freshman would do the next night, repeat the process.

It was 9:00pm on a Saturday and I was in my single alone, so I called up my buddy Niv who lived on Del Playa (the party street in Isla Vista, and which shall be hereafter known as DP). He told me he was going to start pregaming soon and that I should come over. I think I got over there at around 10pm. We drank until 10:30. Niv and his buddies were watching Entourage. As great of a show Entourage is, I would rather pursue my own dreams than sit on my ass and watch fictional characters loosely based on the life of Mark Walhberg accomplish theirs. So I say to Niv

“hey Niv let’s head out”

He replies “in a bit.”

15 minutes pass.

“Hey Niv let’s head out.”

“In a bit”

10 minutes pass

“Hey Niv let’s head out.”

“We’ll go when this finishes.”

5 minutes pass

“Niv I am drunk as shit, I want to go out let’s go.”

“It’s not done yet.”

“You know what fuck you and fuck entourage, I’m going solo.”

I actually don’t know if this is exactly how the conversation went, but bottom line I headed out by myself, with no destination, and no plan of attack. But I did have two weapons , an insatiable horniness and a drunk stupor that was to the point of preventing me from performing even the most basic of tasks, such as looking straight. I begin walking aimlessly down DP feeling like a god amongst mortals, I don’t know if this attitude was instigated by the copious amount of alcohol I had consumed or the corduroy blazer I was sporting (seriously I looked awesome), but nevertheless I walked with assuredness.

Now on DP there are large groups of girls that guys will walk past and frequently “holler” at and the girls will either ignore them or retort with a snide rejection. I have never ever to this day actually seen a guy stop a large group of these girls and start spitting game. Sure maybe if there is only one or two of them fine, but not when the numbers get up to 6 or 7. Anyone who has partied in IV and on DP knows what I am talking about.

While walking down the street I saw a group of these girls up ahead. And as they approached me I stopped and said

“Hey! You guys look like fun.”

Their reply was “Hahaha! We are fun.”

“Where are you guys heading off to?”

“A party at a friend’s house, want to come with us?”

I pause for a minute “…. Fuck yes I want to come!”

They laugh “Great then follow us.”

Now I know what the first reaction most of you fellas will have to hearing this and that is these girls were fat or ugly or probably both. If I said they weren’t you will think I was too drunk to assess the actual attractiveness levels of these girls but in complete honesty these girls were neither fat nor ugly. When I get drunk I can still tell if a girl is hot or not, I’m pretty sure we all can, the difference is when we are drunk the lines get blurred slightly and more importantly as guys (or girls) we don’t give a shit, and we just want to pound or get pounded by anything that breathes… and sometimes doesn’t. So most of these girls were average looking, there were hot girls in the group and ugly ones as well, but overall they were average, and let’s be honest gents a large group of average looking girls automatically makes them hot.*So how did I do it? Well I like to think of it as a beautiful combination of the effects of alcohol, charisma, confidence, enthusiasm, the fact that I was non-threatening ( I was alone), and most importantly the fact that I am a boss.

So they take me with them to this party which is at a random guys house who I don’t know and the people who took me there are still random girls whom I just met 5min ago. Though the ratio seemed good, but the party was just horrible. I calculated my odds of me getting laid with these random ladies against that of the girl who was drunk texting me, and possibly the girls who she was with. Since the grass is always greener effect is magnified by my impatience, I left.

Now actually when I said I had no plan before I was actually lying. I had been drunk texting this one girl from FSSP through most of the night. The reason: she had texted me earlier that day saying

“My roommate is out of town, let’s have a sleepover.”

And it… is… ON!

So I headed down to the frat party she was at and met up with her there. She seemed excited to see me. It was past midnight so the music was off but the frat was still having an afterparty. We walked towards the house, and I forget how we started making out, I think I said something stupid like “what’s your favorite part of your body besides your lips to get kissed”, and it started from there. Anyway she brings me inside, and is clearly not done partying to take me back to her dorm. So I begin to mingle with people, keep in mind I know nobody here besides her. I begin talking to this one guy and his girl. Feeling threatened by me he tells me to leave because I am not wearing a wristband, which you had to buy ahead of time to be at the party/concert they were having before. Fraternities are so funny.

I tell him I will leave the house but I just left the room and hit on the first group of girls I saw. It was a three set; one girl was hot, one was cute, and one was fat. Since this opener seemed to be working I walked up to them

“Hey you guys look like fun!”

And it hit just as well. For those novice gamers out there, three sets are by far the best sets to approach for a number of reasons:

1. All three girls will inevitably by competing over you because there are three of them one of you, and the jealousy factor will raise your attractiveness level to epic proportions

2. Since you are by yourself it will seem completely non-threatening to them and they won’t be so shy because they are with their friends

3. Because there are three of them when you decide to isolate one of them, the other friends have each other to hang out with and hence won’t try and cockblock you because they will not be alone. In some instances I have even had girls help me isolate in this situation.

So things are going well as all the girls in the group are fighting for me and yeah it’s awesome. I am cheering for the hot one to win the fight. So I decide I want to make out with the hot one. To the hot one I say

“Hey you’re awesome! You know what? We should get married for the next 5min. I think we’d make a great couple.”

“haha ok”

“But remember at 12:50 we’ll be broken up. So we have to make the most of it.”

We begin talking about what our house will look like and what we’ll name or kids when I say

“What?! We only have 3 more minutes of marriage left and we still haven’t kissed!”

I lean in to kiss her but she turns and I only get her cheek. Hot girl 1 Lloyd 0. She apologized and explained that she had a boyfriend. I ask if he goes to this school and she said yes and that he was nearby. Looks like I’m going after cute girl.

Still all three were fighting over me despite this and it was at this point that fatty was really starting to piss me off. She asked me six times if I was Persian or not. Six times! I don’t even know how such a large creature could have even consumed enough alcohol to get her BAC up to a level where she forgets my ethnicity six times. Anyway while Rosie O was fucking my shit up I decide to hit on cute girl. She’s black and I haven’t made out with a black girl yet so I decide to fix this. But as I am talking to her, hottie decides I am way too attractive to let her boyfriend get in the way, and we make out. Beast I know. But I could tell I wasn’t going to get much else with her and even if I was I would have to ignore her to get it. Yeah some girls you have to ignore to get them, girls are so weird. So I continue to hit on cute girl. We eventually get isolated and because I’m still drunk and couldn’t think of anything better

“Hey you’re awesome. Want to get married for the next 5 min?”

I don’t think I have to elaborate on the rest of that routine except that this time I not only made out with her but started fingering her. Let me take a minute to demonstrate how ridiculous this was: I did the same routine on a girl who’s friend I just made out with and performed the same routine on and then I perform this routine on her and make out with her in front of the other friend I just made out with! Okay back to the story: Since we were in a hallway, I tried to find somewhere better. But I’ve never been in this house before and I have no idea where the fuck I would find a place to bang her. So we begin walking around the frat house and I am desperately trying to find a Room of Requirement** or something like that to bang her, the best I can find is a bathroom stall. She tells me she’s not willing to have sex in a bathroom. I try and use my skills of persuasion

Cute girl: “I’m not going to do it in a bathroom.”

Me: “What?! C’mon.”

Cute Girl: “No”

Me: “All the cool kids are doing it”

Cute Girl: “Not happening.”

Looks like I’m shit out of luck.

Failing miserably at finding a Shag Shack, I begin trying to think of a way to get her back to my dorm and possibly of pulling the hottie back instead. My thought is interrupted when fatty finds us and accidentally spills beer on my shirt. Fatty just crossed the line, and it was only a miracle that it didn’t get on my blazer. Had it, I might have killed her right then and there, which by the way would have been justifiable because she was fat and an annoying bitch, and therefore clearly someone not worthy of basic human rights.

I pull away from the group and abandon my quest for pussy momentarily so as I don’t get arrested for assault. My anger subsides when as I am wiping the stain of my shirt I see a short cute girl with HUGE tits. Now I am not a boob guy. I am most definitely an ass guy, but this was a rare exception. Her tits were smiling at me to come over and I obliged. Now I remembered this girl from FSSP, and vaguely remembered her name, but didn’t want to risk it. A guy was talking to her but this was a nonissue and I shot him down like I was in a fucking video game. Immediately I begin talking to her. Outclassed the other guy leaves.

Since I had been used to the three other girls, whom I had abandoned in a fit of rage, fighting over, me her lack of interest was worrying me. But then I realized that I am Lloyd Dixon and I am no longer worried.

But after getting virtually no indicators of interest I went for broke

“Hey want to get married for the next 5 min?”

We were making out in 2. In fact she practically ate me alive. I was never expecting such a small girl to be so vicious. With my plans now changed, my goal was to bring her back to my dorm. She informs me that she has to find a friend and brings me along with her. Balls. Whenever the “friend” is involved this normally means no sex for Lloyd Dixon. But she had nearly devoured my bottom lip moments earlier so I decided to stick around.

She takes me to another frat house, and runs into a bunch of people I don’t know. I soon become bored as they talk about nothing that interests me. I wait for a bit, growing more flaccid by the second. Pissed off I leave the house, and pray to all gods, spirits and deities that the girl who was drunk texting me and who had brought me to the frat house would respond to my calls.

She doesn’t. Horny as fuck I shed my pride and send her three text messages. That’s right three with no response! Again I have no shame so I call her an additional half dozen times over the course of a few hours. No answer. My anger was built up to the boiling point and not even the Freebirds I bought could console me.

I finally made my way back to Niv’s house, I throw myself on his couch and prepare to vent about how I came so close to getting laid so many times, but was fucked over by logistics when I look up at the television to find that they are all watching Entourage…again. And at that point I couldn’t do anything but laugh.

Repurcussions:

Partying that wildly over the course of two days had its price. Socially I didn’t pay for it that much, but physically it was a huge mistake. I was incredibly sick for the next couple weeks. And for this reason I now try and limit the amount of girls I hook up with… per night.

*This is known as the cheerleader effect, the reason being that we generally consider the cheerleaders attractive simply because there are a lot of girls in a group, but if each girl is actually analyzed then you will find that individually they are not that attractive at all.

**The Room of Requirement is a secret room in Hogwarts that appears when a witch or wizard is in dire need of it. The room then transforms into whatever the witch or wizard needs it to be at that moment. In the books Harry uses it to train the DA or Dumbledore’s Army (for those of you that didn’t have a childhood and did not read Harry Potter). In this case I was in dire need for a room to nail this girl in. Unfortunately I was unsuccessful in my search for a fictional fairytale room. But you’d think that fraternities would have a designated bang basement or something like that to handle these kinds of situations. Do they really think their house should actually be treated like a place to live in?