One time in freshman year I was trying to find a cool place to party and my dumbass friend ended up sending me to a gay party. I decided to make the best of it and found out a number of cool things about gays:
1) Elton John is no longer their overlord. Lady Gaga is.
2) Gay people have sex a lot more than straight people do
3) Depending on the circumstance it is actually acceptable to us the word "fag"
4) There are a lot of well disguised transsexuals out there. Watch out fellas.
Anyway after the party I went back with a few of my new friends and they were hilarious and offered to give me free weed so I went along with them. (I knew that there was zero possibility of me getting raped them because if it came down to it in a physical confrontation I could easily have overpowered them so I was cool with it).
When we finally got back I got retarded high and my eyes were so red that Satan would have raised his eyebrows. I decided that I needed to head back to my apartment and so I left.
Ravenous munchies overtook me and I scrambled through my tiny fridge for anything edible. I found a bag of popcorn and on the bag it said heat for 4 minutes but I knew it would probably take only 2, so I would have to listen till the bag stopped popping. I throw it in the microwave in my dorm hall which was located in the same room as the laundry room and set it for 4 minutes. No one else was there. I think it was 4am.
I get a call from one of they guys who I had been hanging out with earlier. He needed to be let in so he could return one a sweatshirt one of my friends had left. Unfortunately during this we started talking about something until I realize "Oh shit my popcorn!" I run back and it has long been 4 minutes. I open the door and immediately a giant smoke cloud rushed out of the microwave and my stoned reflexes were not fast enough. Within about two seconds the entire laundry room was about half full of smoke, and it reeked of burnt popcorn.
I tried opening the windows and fanning out the smoke but it didn't budge at all. And yes the smoke alarms all went off in not just one but TWO buildings. The blood ringing sounds were going to wake everyone up so I fled the scene of the crime and ran to my friends dorm in the opposite tower where I hid for the next two hours and witnessed an entire sea of pissed off tired and cold people march out of the towers and onto the grass.
The fire department thought i was necessary to bring three firetrucks to the scene and have the entire brigade rush in like it was 9/11. And it took them like an hour to figure out that some idiot kid had just burnt the popcorn and everything was ok. Thank you firefighters.
After everybody had walked in I went back and the next morning of course everyone was asking about "Who the fuck burnt the popcorn last night?!" To which I replied "Yea what bitchface retard did that!? I was sleeping!"
So thanks to cannabis I managed to cause mass chaos and hysteria. Don't do drugs kids.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Freshman Follies
Date of occurrence: Sometime between Late September to mid October 2009
Date Written: Sept. 20, 2010
Location: Isla Vista/UCSB
It was fall quarter of my freshman year and I had already spent a summer quarter doing crazy dumb shit in the FSSP program at UCSB (also known as the Fuck Stupid Slutty People program) just kidding it didn’t really stand for that but seriously there was a lot of fucking during those 6 weeks. When I mean fucking, I mean I would go to a party, game a girl for an hour, hook up with her in front of a bunch of people, bring her back to my room and do everything except actually have sex. I was seriously pissed off at this point. I mean come on ladies if you’re going to make out and dry hump a guy for an hour in front of everyone at the party, and then clearly walk into his dorm room afterward you are already labeled as a slut so there is absolutely no reason not to put out once he takes you back because even if you don’t have sex everyone will think you did.
Anyway back to fall quarter. At this time I was 17 and had only stuck my dick in between my four fingers and thumb so far and was ready to solve this problem. Fortunately I was able to in a one night stand, that, to put it bluntly, was fucking horrible for a number of reasons:
1. Even though the girl who I had relentlessly gamed for the better part of an hour was practically sucking my dick at the party, she refused to even do doggy when we were fucking. What a bitch! Ladies just because you don’t do doggystyle, doesn’t mean you are not a slut, it means you are dumb whore.
2. Despite the fact that she was a very cute girl with a pretty nice body I still arrogantly felt that she was far below me, and her intelligence did not help her cause (not that I went back to her dorm room because of her outstanding personality though.
3. Condoms ruin everything, they suck.
4. Fuck tequila, this was the first and last time I ever drank that horrible excuse for an alcoholic beverage. The Jose Cuervo I had had that night tasted akin to shit from a dung beetle (and dung beetles eat shit for dinner). So every time I made out with this girl I had to taste her and my Jose Cuervo breath. As gross as this was, I was a gentleman and so I powered through and still fucked her. Oh the things I do for you ladies.
So even though I had gotten laid and probably gained some respect and admiration from my peers I felt worse in the long run from the event.
Ok so while having sex for the first time might seem like the acme of this story, it isn’t, and to be perfectly honest I don’t place any importance on my first time. It’s the first time so it’s never going to be that great and pretty much everyone has sex so I did not place much importance or uniqueness to this event. Now the real story begins the day after. After having a night of drinking and sex that night, that had in my opinion ended badly, I decided to do what any new incoming freshman would do the next night, repeat the process.
It was 9:00pm on a Saturday and I was in my single alone, so I called up my buddy Niv who lived on Del Playa (the party street in Isla Vista, and which shall be hereafter known as DP). He told me he was going to start pregaming soon and that I should come over. I think I got over there at around 10pm. We drank until 10:30. Niv and his buddies were watching Entourage. As great of a show Entourage is, I would rather pursue my own dreams than sit on my ass and watch fictional characters loosely based on the life of Mark Walhberg accomplish theirs. So I say to Niv
“hey Niv let’s head out”
He replies “in a bit.”
15 minutes pass.
“Hey Niv let’s head out.”
“In a bit”
10 minutes pass
“Hey Niv let’s head out.”
“We’ll go when this finishes.”
5 minutes pass
“Niv I am drunk as shit, I want to go out let’s go.”
“It’s not done yet.”
“You know what fuck you and fuck entourage, I’m going solo.”
I actually don’t know if this is exactly how the conversation went, but bottom line I headed out by myself, with no destination, and no plan of attack. But I did have two weapons , an insatiable horniness and a drunk stupor that was to the point of preventing me from performing even the most basic of tasks, such as looking straight. I begin walking aimlessly down DP feeling like a god amongst mortals, I don’t know if this attitude was instigated by the copious amount of alcohol I had consumed or the corduroy blazer I was sporting (seriously I looked awesome), but nevertheless I walked with assuredness.
Now on DP there are large groups of girls that guys will walk past and frequently “holler” at and the girls will either ignore them or retort with a snide rejection. I have never ever to this day actually seen a guy stop a large group of these girls and start spitting game. Sure maybe if there is only one or two of them fine, but not when the numbers get up to 6 or 7. Anyone who has partied in IV and on DP knows what I am talking about.
While walking down the street I saw a group of these girls up ahead. And as they approached me I stopped and said
“Hey! You guys look like fun.”
Their reply was “Hahaha! We are fun.”
“Where are you guys heading off to?”
“A party at a friend’s house, want to come with us?”
I pause for a minute “…. Fuck yes I want to come!”
They laugh “Great then follow us.”
Now I know what the first reaction most of you fellas will have to hearing this and that is these girls were fat or ugly or probably both. If I said they weren’t you will think I was too drunk to assess the actual attractiveness levels of these girls but in complete honesty these girls were neither fat nor ugly. When I get drunk I can still tell if a girl is hot or not, I’m pretty sure we all can, the difference is when we are drunk the lines get blurred slightly and more importantly as guys (or girls) we don’t give a shit, and we just want to pound or get pounded by anything that breathes… and sometimes doesn’t. So most of these girls were average looking, there were hot girls in the group and ugly ones as well, but overall they were average, and let’s be honest gents a large group of average looking girls automatically makes them hot.*So how did I do it? Well I like to think of it as a beautiful combination of the effects of alcohol, charisma, confidence, enthusiasm, the fact that I was non-threatening ( I was alone), and most importantly the fact that I am a boss.
So they take me with them to this party which is at a random guys house who I don’t know and the people who took me there are still random girls whom I just met 5min ago. Though the ratio seemed good, but the party was just horrible. I calculated my odds of me getting laid with these random ladies against that of the girl who was drunk texting me, and possibly the girls who she was with. Since the grass is always greener effect is magnified by my impatience, I left.
Now actually when I said I had no plan before I was actually lying. I had been drunk texting this one girl from FSSP through most of the night. The reason: she had texted me earlier that day saying
“My roommate is out of town, let’s have a sleepover.”
And it… is… ON!
So I headed down to the frat party she was at and met up with her there. She seemed excited to see me. It was past midnight so the music was off but the frat was still having an afterparty. We walked towards the house, and I forget how we started making out, I think I said something stupid like “what’s your favorite part of your body besides your lips to get kissed”, and it started from there. Anyway she brings me inside, and is clearly not done partying to take me back to her dorm. So I begin to mingle with people, keep in mind I know nobody here besides her. I begin talking to this one guy and his girl. Feeling threatened by me he tells me to leave because I am not wearing a wristband, which you had to buy ahead of time to be at the party/concert they were having before. Fraternities are so funny.
I tell him I will leave the house but I just left the room and hit on the first group of girls I saw. It was a three set; one girl was hot, one was cute, and one was fat. Since this opener seemed to be working I walked up to them
“Hey you guys look like fun!”
And it hit just as well. For those novice gamers out there, three sets are by far the best sets to approach for a number of reasons:
1. All three girls will inevitably by competing over you because there are three of them one of you, and the jealousy factor will raise your attractiveness level to epic proportions
2. Since you are by yourself it will seem completely non-threatening to them and they won’t be so shy because they are with their friends
3. Because there are three of them when you decide to isolate one of them, the other friends have each other to hang out with and hence won’t try and cockblock you because they will not be alone. In some instances I have even had girls help me isolate in this situation.
So things are going well as all the girls in the group are fighting for me and yeah it’s awesome. I am cheering for the hot one to win the fight. So I decide I want to make out with the hot one. To the hot one I say
“Hey you’re awesome! You know what? We should get married for the next 5min. I think we’d make a great couple.”
“haha ok”
“But remember at 12:50 we’ll be broken up. So we have to make the most of it.”
We begin talking about what our house will look like and what we’ll name or kids when I say
“What?! We only have 3 more minutes of marriage left and we still haven’t kissed!”
I lean in to kiss her but she turns and I only get her cheek. Hot girl 1 Lloyd 0. She apologized and explained that she had a boyfriend. I ask if he goes to this school and she said yes and that he was nearby. Looks like I’m going after cute girl.
Still all three were fighting over me despite this and it was at this point that fatty was really starting to piss me off. She asked me six times if I was Persian or not. Six times! I don’t even know how such a large creature could have even consumed enough alcohol to get her BAC up to a level where she forgets my ethnicity six times. Anyway while Rosie O was fucking my shit up I decide to hit on cute girl. She’s black and I haven’t made out with a black girl yet so I decide to fix this. But as I am talking to her, hottie decides I am way too attractive to let her boyfriend get in the way, and we make out. Beast I know. But I could tell I wasn’t going to get much else with her and even if I was I would have to ignore her to get it. Yeah some girls you have to ignore to get them, girls are so weird. So I continue to hit on cute girl. We eventually get isolated and because I’m still drunk and couldn’t think of anything better
“Hey you’re awesome. Want to get married for the next 5 min?”
I don’t think I have to elaborate on the rest of that routine except that this time I not only made out with her but started fingering her. Let me take a minute to demonstrate how ridiculous this was: I did the same routine on a girl who’s friend I just made out with and performed the same routine on and then I perform this routine on her and make out with her in front of the other friend I just made out with! Okay back to the story: Since we were in a hallway, I tried to find somewhere better. But I’ve never been in this house before and I have no idea where the fuck I would find a place to bang her. So we begin walking around the frat house and I am desperately trying to find a Room of Requirement** or something like that to bang her, the best I can find is a bathroom stall. She tells me she’s not willing to have sex in a bathroom. I try and use my skills of persuasion
Cute girl: “I’m not going to do it in a bathroom.”
Me: “What?! C’mon.”
Cute Girl: “No”
Me: “All the cool kids are doing it”
Cute Girl: “Not happening.”
Looks like I’m shit out of luck.
Failing miserably at finding a Shag Shack, I begin trying to think of a way to get her back to my dorm and possibly of pulling the hottie back instead. My thought is interrupted when fatty finds us and accidentally spills beer on my shirt. Fatty just crossed the line, and it was only a miracle that it didn’t get on my blazer. Had it, I might have killed her right then and there, which by the way would have been justifiable because she was fat and an annoying bitch, and therefore clearly someone not worthy of basic human rights.
I pull away from the group and abandon my quest for pussy momentarily so as I don’t get arrested for assault. My anger subsides when as I am wiping the stain of my shirt I see a short cute girl with HUGE tits. Now I am not a boob guy. I am most definitely an ass guy, but this was a rare exception. Her tits were smiling at me to come over and I obliged. Now I remembered this girl from FSSP, and vaguely remembered her name, but didn’t want to risk it. A guy was talking to her but this was a nonissue and I shot him down like I was in a fucking video game. Immediately I begin talking to her. Outclassed the other guy leaves.
Since I had been used to the three other girls, whom I had abandoned in a fit of rage, fighting over, me her lack of interest was worrying me. But then I realized that I am Lloyd Dixon and I am no longer worried.
But after getting virtually no indicators of interest I went for broke
“Hey want to get married for the next 5 min?”
We were making out in 2. In fact she practically ate me alive. I was never expecting such a small girl to be so vicious. With my plans now changed, my goal was to bring her back to my dorm. She informs me that she has to find a friend and brings me along with her. Balls. Whenever the “friend” is involved this normally means no sex for Lloyd Dixon. But she had nearly devoured my bottom lip moments earlier so I decided to stick around.
She takes me to another frat house, and runs into a bunch of people I don’t know. I soon become bored as they talk about nothing that interests me. I wait for a bit, growing more flaccid by the second. Pissed off I leave the house, and pray to all gods, spirits and deities that the girl who was drunk texting me and who had brought me to the frat house would respond to my calls.
She doesn’t. Horny as fuck I shed my pride and send her three text messages. That’s right three with no response! Again I have no shame so I call her an additional half dozen times over the course of a few hours. No answer. My anger was built up to the boiling point and not even the Freebirds I bought could console me.
I finally made my way back to Niv’s house, I throw myself on his couch and prepare to vent about how I came so close to getting laid so many times, but was fucked over by logistics when I look up at the television to find that they are all watching Entourage…again. And at that point I couldn’t do anything but laugh.
Repurcussions:
Partying that wildly over the course of two days had its price. Socially I didn’t pay for it that much, but physically it was a huge mistake. I was incredibly sick for the next couple weeks. And for this reason I now try and limit the amount of girls I hook up with… per night.
*This is known as the cheerleader effect, the reason being that we generally consider the cheerleaders attractive simply because there are a lot of girls in a group, but if each girl is actually analyzed then you will find that individually they are not that attractive at all.
**The Room of Requirement is a secret room in Hogwarts that appears when a witch or wizard is in dire need of it. The room then transforms into whatever the witch or wizard needs it to be at that moment. In the books Harry uses it to train the DA or Dumbledore’s Army (for those of you that didn’t have a childhood and did not read Harry Potter). In this case I was in dire need for a room to nail this girl in. Unfortunately I was unsuccessful in my search for a fictional fairytale room. But you’d think that fraternities would have a designated bang basement or something like that to handle these kinds of situations. Do they really think their house should actually be treated like a place to live in?
Date Written: Sept. 20, 2010
Location: Isla Vista/UCSB
It was fall quarter of my freshman year and I had already spent a summer quarter doing crazy dumb shit in the FSSP program at UCSB (also known as the Fuck Stupid Slutty People program) just kidding it didn’t really stand for that but seriously there was a lot of fucking during those 6 weeks. When I mean fucking, I mean I would go to a party, game a girl for an hour, hook up with her in front of a bunch of people, bring her back to my room and do everything except actually have sex. I was seriously pissed off at this point. I mean come on ladies if you’re going to make out and dry hump a guy for an hour in front of everyone at the party, and then clearly walk into his dorm room afterward you are already labeled as a slut so there is absolutely no reason not to put out once he takes you back because even if you don’t have sex everyone will think you did.
Anyway back to fall quarter. At this time I was 17 and had only stuck my dick in between my four fingers and thumb so far and was ready to solve this problem. Fortunately I was able to in a one night stand, that, to put it bluntly, was fucking horrible for a number of reasons:
1. Even though the girl who I had relentlessly gamed for the better part of an hour was practically sucking my dick at the party, she refused to even do doggy when we were fucking. What a bitch! Ladies just because you don’t do doggystyle, doesn’t mean you are not a slut, it means you are dumb whore.
2. Despite the fact that she was a very cute girl with a pretty nice body I still arrogantly felt that she was far below me, and her intelligence did not help her cause (not that I went back to her dorm room because of her outstanding personality though.
3. Condoms ruin everything, they suck.
4. Fuck tequila, this was the first and last time I ever drank that horrible excuse for an alcoholic beverage. The Jose Cuervo I had had that night tasted akin to shit from a dung beetle (and dung beetles eat shit for dinner). So every time I made out with this girl I had to taste her and my Jose Cuervo breath. As gross as this was, I was a gentleman and so I powered through and still fucked her. Oh the things I do for you ladies.
So even though I had gotten laid and probably gained some respect and admiration from my peers I felt worse in the long run from the event.
Ok so while having sex for the first time might seem like the acme of this story, it isn’t, and to be perfectly honest I don’t place any importance on my first time. It’s the first time so it’s never going to be that great and pretty much everyone has sex so I did not place much importance or uniqueness to this event. Now the real story begins the day after. After having a night of drinking and sex that night, that had in my opinion ended badly, I decided to do what any new incoming freshman would do the next night, repeat the process.
It was 9:00pm on a Saturday and I was in my single alone, so I called up my buddy Niv who lived on Del Playa (the party street in Isla Vista, and which shall be hereafter known as DP). He told me he was going to start pregaming soon and that I should come over. I think I got over there at around 10pm. We drank until 10:30. Niv and his buddies were watching Entourage. As great of a show Entourage is, I would rather pursue my own dreams than sit on my ass and watch fictional characters loosely based on the life of Mark Walhberg accomplish theirs. So I say to Niv
“hey Niv let’s head out”
He replies “in a bit.”
15 minutes pass.
“Hey Niv let’s head out.”
“In a bit”
10 minutes pass
“Hey Niv let’s head out.”
“We’ll go when this finishes.”
5 minutes pass
“Niv I am drunk as shit, I want to go out let’s go.”
“It’s not done yet.”
“You know what fuck you and fuck entourage, I’m going solo.”
I actually don’t know if this is exactly how the conversation went, but bottom line I headed out by myself, with no destination, and no plan of attack. But I did have two weapons , an insatiable horniness and a drunk stupor that was to the point of preventing me from performing even the most basic of tasks, such as looking straight. I begin walking aimlessly down DP feeling like a god amongst mortals, I don’t know if this attitude was instigated by the copious amount of alcohol I had consumed or the corduroy blazer I was sporting (seriously I looked awesome), but nevertheless I walked with assuredness.
Now on DP there are large groups of girls that guys will walk past and frequently “holler” at and the girls will either ignore them or retort with a snide rejection. I have never ever to this day actually seen a guy stop a large group of these girls and start spitting game. Sure maybe if there is only one or two of them fine, but not when the numbers get up to 6 or 7. Anyone who has partied in IV and on DP knows what I am talking about.
While walking down the street I saw a group of these girls up ahead. And as they approached me I stopped and said
“Hey! You guys look like fun.”
Their reply was “Hahaha! We are fun.”
“Where are you guys heading off to?”
“A party at a friend’s house, want to come with us?”
I pause for a minute “…. Fuck yes I want to come!”
They laugh “Great then follow us.”
Now I know what the first reaction most of you fellas will have to hearing this and that is these girls were fat or ugly or probably both. If I said they weren’t you will think I was too drunk to assess the actual attractiveness levels of these girls but in complete honesty these girls were neither fat nor ugly. When I get drunk I can still tell if a girl is hot or not, I’m pretty sure we all can, the difference is when we are drunk the lines get blurred slightly and more importantly as guys (or girls) we don’t give a shit, and we just want to pound or get pounded by anything that breathes… and sometimes doesn’t. So most of these girls were average looking, there were hot girls in the group and ugly ones as well, but overall they were average, and let’s be honest gents a large group of average looking girls automatically makes them hot.*So how did I do it? Well I like to think of it as a beautiful combination of the effects of alcohol, charisma, confidence, enthusiasm, the fact that I was non-threatening ( I was alone), and most importantly the fact that I am a boss.
So they take me with them to this party which is at a random guys house who I don’t know and the people who took me there are still random girls whom I just met 5min ago. Though the ratio seemed good, but the party was just horrible. I calculated my odds of me getting laid with these random ladies against that of the girl who was drunk texting me, and possibly the girls who she was with. Since the grass is always greener effect is magnified by my impatience, I left.
Now actually when I said I had no plan before I was actually lying. I had been drunk texting this one girl from FSSP through most of the night. The reason: she had texted me earlier that day saying
“My roommate is out of town, let’s have a sleepover.”
And it… is… ON!
So I headed down to the frat party she was at and met up with her there. She seemed excited to see me. It was past midnight so the music was off but the frat was still having an afterparty. We walked towards the house, and I forget how we started making out, I think I said something stupid like “what’s your favorite part of your body besides your lips to get kissed”, and it started from there. Anyway she brings me inside, and is clearly not done partying to take me back to her dorm. So I begin to mingle with people, keep in mind I know nobody here besides her. I begin talking to this one guy and his girl. Feeling threatened by me he tells me to leave because I am not wearing a wristband, which you had to buy ahead of time to be at the party/concert they were having before. Fraternities are so funny.
I tell him I will leave the house but I just left the room and hit on the first group of girls I saw. It was a three set; one girl was hot, one was cute, and one was fat. Since this opener seemed to be working I walked up to them
“Hey you guys look like fun!”
And it hit just as well. For those novice gamers out there, three sets are by far the best sets to approach for a number of reasons:
1. All three girls will inevitably by competing over you because there are three of them one of you, and the jealousy factor will raise your attractiveness level to epic proportions
2. Since you are by yourself it will seem completely non-threatening to them and they won’t be so shy because they are with their friends
3. Because there are three of them when you decide to isolate one of them, the other friends have each other to hang out with and hence won’t try and cockblock you because they will not be alone. In some instances I have even had girls help me isolate in this situation.
So things are going well as all the girls in the group are fighting for me and yeah it’s awesome. I am cheering for the hot one to win the fight. So I decide I want to make out with the hot one. To the hot one I say
“Hey you’re awesome! You know what? We should get married for the next 5min. I think we’d make a great couple.”
“haha ok”
“But remember at 12:50 we’ll be broken up. So we have to make the most of it.”
We begin talking about what our house will look like and what we’ll name or kids when I say
“What?! We only have 3 more minutes of marriage left and we still haven’t kissed!”
I lean in to kiss her but she turns and I only get her cheek. Hot girl 1 Lloyd 0. She apologized and explained that she had a boyfriend. I ask if he goes to this school and she said yes and that he was nearby. Looks like I’m going after cute girl.
Still all three were fighting over me despite this and it was at this point that fatty was really starting to piss me off. She asked me six times if I was Persian or not. Six times! I don’t even know how such a large creature could have even consumed enough alcohol to get her BAC up to a level where she forgets my ethnicity six times. Anyway while Rosie O was fucking my shit up I decide to hit on cute girl. She’s black and I haven’t made out with a black girl yet so I decide to fix this. But as I am talking to her, hottie decides I am way too attractive to let her boyfriend get in the way, and we make out. Beast I know. But I could tell I wasn’t going to get much else with her and even if I was I would have to ignore her to get it. Yeah some girls you have to ignore to get them, girls are so weird. So I continue to hit on cute girl. We eventually get isolated and because I’m still drunk and couldn’t think of anything better
“Hey you’re awesome. Want to get married for the next 5 min?”
I don’t think I have to elaborate on the rest of that routine except that this time I not only made out with her but started fingering her. Let me take a minute to demonstrate how ridiculous this was: I did the same routine on a girl who’s friend I just made out with and performed the same routine on and then I perform this routine on her and make out with her in front of the other friend I just made out with! Okay back to the story: Since we were in a hallway, I tried to find somewhere better. But I’ve never been in this house before and I have no idea where the fuck I would find a place to bang her. So we begin walking around the frat house and I am desperately trying to find a Room of Requirement** or something like that to bang her, the best I can find is a bathroom stall. She tells me she’s not willing to have sex in a bathroom. I try and use my skills of persuasion
Cute girl: “I’m not going to do it in a bathroom.”
Me: “What?! C’mon.”
Cute Girl: “No”
Me: “All the cool kids are doing it”
Cute Girl: “Not happening.”
Looks like I’m shit out of luck.
Failing miserably at finding a Shag Shack, I begin trying to think of a way to get her back to my dorm and possibly of pulling the hottie back instead. My thought is interrupted when fatty finds us and accidentally spills beer on my shirt. Fatty just crossed the line, and it was only a miracle that it didn’t get on my blazer. Had it, I might have killed her right then and there, which by the way would have been justifiable because she was fat and an annoying bitch, and therefore clearly someone not worthy of basic human rights.
I pull away from the group and abandon my quest for pussy momentarily so as I don’t get arrested for assault. My anger subsides when as I am wiping the stain of my shirt I see a short cute girl with HUGE tits. Now I am not a boob guy. I am most definitely an ass guy, but this was a rare exception. Her tits were smiling at me to come over and I obliged. Now I remembered this girl from FSSP, and vaguely remembered her name, but didn’t want to risk it. A guy was talking to her but this was a nonissue and I shot him down like I was in a fucking video game. Immediately I begin talking to her. Outclassed the other guy leaves.
Since I had been used to the three other girls, whom I had abandoned in a fit of rage, fighting over, me her lack of interest was worrying me. But then I realized that I am Lloyd Dixon and I am no longer worried.
But after getting virtually no indicators of interest I went for broke
“Hey want to get married for the next 5 min?”
We were making out in 2. In fact she practically ate me alive. I was never expecting such a small girl to be so vicious. With my plans now changed, my goal was to bring her back to my dorm. She informs me that she has to find a friend and brings me along with her. Balls. Whenever the “friend” is involved this normally means no sex for Lloyd Dixon. But she had nearly devoured my bottom lip moments earlier so I decided to stick around.
She takes me to another frat house, and runs into a bunch of people I don’t know. I soon become bored as they talk about nothing that interests me. I wait for a bit, growing more flaccid by the second. Pissed off I leave the house, and pray to all gods, spirits and deities that the girl who was drunk texting me and who had brought me to the frat house would respond to my calls.
She doesn’t. Horny as fuck I shed my pride and send her three text messages. That’s right three with no response! Again I have no shame so I call her an additional half dozen times over the course of a few hours. No answer. My anger was built up to the boiling point and not even the Freebirds I bought could console me.
I finally made my way back to Niv’s house, I throw myself on his couch and prepare to vent about how I came so close to getting laid so many times, but was fucked over by logistics when I look up at the television to find that they are all watching Entourage…again. And at that point I couldn’t do anything but laugh.
Repurcussions:
Partying that wildly over the course of two days had its price. Socially I didn’t pay for it that much, but physically it was a huge mistake. I was incredibly sick for the next couple weeks. And for this reason I now try and limit the amount of girls I hook up with… per night.
*This is known as the cheerleader effect, the reason being that we generally consider the cheerleaders attractive simply because there are a lot of girls in a group, but if each girl is actually analyzed then you will find that individually they are not that attractive at all.
**The Room of Requirement is a secret room in Hogwarts that appears when a witch or wizard is in dire need of it. The room then transforms into whatever the witch or wizard needs it to be at that moment. In the books Harry uses it to train the DA or Dumbledore’s Army (for those of you that didn’t have a childhood and did not read Harry Potter). In this case I was in dire need for a room to nail this girl in. Unfortunately I was unsuccessful in my search for a fictional fairytale room. But you’d think that fraternities would have a designated bang basement or something like that to handle these kinds of situations. Do they really think their house should actually be treated like a place to live in?
Mike Posner's Dream Girl
Date: Sometime in mid August 2010
Date Written: Sept. 5 2010
Location: The Davidson Library at UCSB
As I was walking in the study room to do my Math 5C homework, I noticed an incredibly attractive girl walking in before me. At first glance she was a minimum 4 star but after talking with her more I think her rating should go up to at least a 4.5 star (If your wondering what these ratings mean I use a revised version of the Tucker Max rating system which you can check out at his website, its seriously way better than the 1 to 10 rating system). She is tall, not taller than me, has brown hair, is white, and is wearing a kind of asian style eyeliner. As she walked in I immediately noted where she sat and promptly sat down across from her (this was not in any way an overt move because there were no other completely empty tables, which, had I no interest in her, I probably would have sat at). I decided to initiate passive game on her. I start out by doing my work for about 15 min, then realize I am hungry and want to go eat. I ask the girl across from me (the girl who I mentioned earlier in case you dumbfucks weren’t paying attention) how long she is going to be here. She says “awhile” and offers to watch my stuff.
I leave to get some food for about 40 min and return to the study room. I sit down and ask her
“how’s it coming along?”
She gives one of those “meh” looks and says “eh not that well”
I laugh a little, smile, and reply with “well you have to stop checking your facebook updates every 5min.”
She maybe chuckled at that but I’m not quite sure. Anyway that conversation pretty much ended, which was actually what I had intended. Since this was passive game I went back to my work. After about 45min to an hour I was pretty much done with my work but left one or two easy problems to have somewhat of an excuse to stay there and spit game.
I look over at her and say
“Any progress?”
She is not looking at me and to top it off she was listening to her headphones. She takes off her headphones and says “I’m sorry, what?”
I smile “I said have you made any progress?”
“meh not really”
I laugh and say “alright well what are you studying?”
I half expect a curt answer but she says that she is studying a paper on Richard Nixon, or something like that. She said that she gets angry that history has labeled him as a horrible president when he was actually pretty good. Boys, it seems like we have an intellectual to deal with here. Now I’m not an expert at game because I happen to only by 18 years old, but I do know that it is important to not look like a dumbass when talking to an intellectual girl so I replied with
“well he did rig an election.”
“No he didn’t”
“I thought the Watergate scandal was about him trying to rig the election.”
“No Watergate was a scandal that Nixon tried to cover up but was not actually involved in.”
After looking it up on Wikipedia she turned out to be right. So operation not looking like a dumbass failed miserably. However I decide to not be such a pussy and give up to easily so I explain to her that I actually admire Richard Nixon because he was a man who came from nothing, was defeated numerous times and was eventually elected president of the United States. She agrees with me. Good save Lloyd, Good save.
I found out that she does not even go to UCSB and that she is a senior at Duke University. She lives here in Santa Barbara and is taking classes for the summer. I found out she loves the same shows as me Its Always Sunny, Archer, and she is a fan of Entourage. This confused me because Entourage is blatantly a guy show, and lets be honest the only reason why any guy watches Entourage is so they can get a glimpse of the luxury lifestyle that celebrities lead when they accomplish their dreams while the viewer’s shithole of a life will never come close to it. But I inquire as to why she likes such a show. In her own words
“It’s got fast cars, money, and sex what’s not to like?”
I like this girl. (And for the dummies not paying attention the fact that she even brought up sex with me is a GOOD thing) I also find out that she watches Star Wars habitually, and is in a sorority. Upon hearing her interests I playfully comment
“So let me get this straight, you watch Entourage and Star Wars habitually, and you like fast cars, money and sex…. Your boyfriend must be a very happy guy.”
She replies “Well he was… Until I dumped his ass.”
And it… is…. ON!
Let me take a minute to explain to those mentally retarded in social interaction that this is a MASSIVE indicator of interest. Had she not wanted me to know she was single she would have laughed and not answered the statement or agreed with it and started talking about this boyfriend, or ignored the statement entirely. But she made it blatantly clear that she was single and thus essentially handed me a handwritten invitation to hit on her further. I accept the invitation. And continue to spit game.
I find out that her ex- boyfriend was not “a looker” but he was “funny as fuck.” So I decide to show her how funny I can be and unleash witty one liner Lloyd. For those of you who have hung out with me in certain situations you know that when I am bored or just feel like it I will practically go into my own comedic routine, making fun of everything that I hear or see that I can think of a joke for and rip on everything that mildly annoys me. Now I don’t mean to brag but I’ve had girls reduced to tears when I am in this state before (these are tears of laughter not sadness by the way gentlemen). But my game was most definitely not cutting it that day and she only seriously broke out laughing a few times, most of the time I got chuckles from her. Great. It annoys me when people don’t laugh at my jokes, I’m hilarious… Laugh!
Anyway since “witty one liner Lloyd” seemed to be doing about as well as the Hindenburg did on its maiden voyage I decided to be “vague and aloof Lloyd.” This is what people do when they want to feign wisdom and act smart when they really don’t know jack shit. That seemed to work alright I suppose. But there was a problem, the round table, I was sitting across from her with, wasn’t anywhere near intimate enough. I mean we were talking fairly loudly across the chasm that was separating us, and I would estimate that no less than everyone sitting in the immediate and non-immediate vicinity was listening to me blatantly hit on this girl. So when she asked me
“what are you doing?”
I replied with “I’m having trouble with this problem, here come take a look at it.”
And I walked over to her side and sat down so she could see my computer screen. Now we were right next to each other. Of course I knew she would never be able to come anywhere near to solving it, I mean she was smart and all but there is no way this political science girl had even passed college level calculus and this was advanced Multivariable Calculus. But say what you will it got me where I wanted.
Anyway now that we are in a more intimate setting she starts talking about how she was involved in research. I asked what she did and she said that she was part of a project that tested subjects to find out the negative effects of cocaine. She said that the long term effects were harmful but for the occasional recreational user the effects were negligible. It was nothing I didn’t already know, but I acted interested. We talk more about the drugs we’ve done and the ones we liked and didn’t like. I like this girl even more.
Anyway she started showing me her sorority pictures and commenting on how stupid the girls in there are. Finally a fellow girl who understands that sororities are just like brothels, except of course without the dignity. She shows me one picture (and this is where it gets interesting) of a kinda chubby nerdy guy with a jewfro. He is standing right next to her and I can kinda tell from the picture that this guy is into her. She points at him and says
“That’s Mike Posner.”
“Mike Posner!?” I say “The guy whose song “Cooler than Me” is a nationwide hit and is now charting in the top ten of the billboard hot 100?!”
“yeah he went to Duke.” She laughs “He had a little bit of a crush on me for most of the school year.”
I laugh even harder and then say “Then you’re the girl then.”
“The what?”
“The girl whose cooler than him”
“Oh no, I’m definitely not the girl, my roommate swears it’s her.”
Upon hearing this I do not hesitate to probe further, and by the end of the conversation I was 95% sure that she was indeed the girl. I mean during the conversation she told me that after he got famous he tried blatantly to pull her back into a hotel room, but she wouldn’t go. And after hearing him talk about it in interviews, I’m pretty sure she’s the girl that inspired the song (By the way if you’ve never heard the song, listen to it and you’ll know what I’m talking about).
I tease her about it for a bit. And am secretly laughing about it in my head that I have the girl whose the subject of one of the most popular songs in the nation right now. We keep talking and I can’t help but think of a million ways this could go wrong. I mean I have picked up girls who were older than me before. If you guys are wondering I don’t know her exact age but obviously she was at least as old as Posner, who is 22, if anyone is wondering. But from looking at her she was probably 23… I am 18 and the most famous person I ever met was Leonard Susskind, ever heard of him? Didn’t think so.
But my friend invited me to party and I was done with my work and I knew it was important to end on a high note. So I began packing up my stuff, and she said
“Are you leaving?”
“Yes”
She replied “Well I’d ask for your facebook, but I know you never sign on.” (Which I told her earlier, and its true I almost never sign on anymore)
I laugh and say “Well how about we get coffee sometime instead?”
She smiles and says “Sure, do you want my number.”
I smile back give her my phone. She puts her number. Mission accomplished! Now time to pretend like I do this all the time and walk out. Afterwards I send her a text message. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was something like this
Lloyd: Hey its Lloyd so you won’t have a stranger messaging you latr
Bianca (This is not her real name by the way gents): Haha I know you’re a physics major and all but I hate to break it to you its spelled “later”
Lloyd: I hate to break it to you but I don’t preoccupy myself with grammatical rules when I am texting. J
The smiley is important by the way. She never responded which is fine considering it was not at all indicative of a response. Anyway this happened on a Thursday, I waited four days because I wanted to see her during the week and I sent her a text message asking her if she wanted to get coffee the next day. She never responded, I text her again not with the same question but with just a generic funny statement. She doesn’t respond. I send her a friend request on facebook, signing on for the first time in two months, and she still doesn’t respond. What the fuck?! I mean we talked for no less than two hours, she abandoned her studying completely just to talk to me and agreed to meet me on a date. I seriously have no idea why she did this. Whoever is reading this if you have any idea why she didn’t respond to me then please I am all ears. Because for the moment, at least, I guess I’m just going to have to assume that she thinks she’s Cooler Than Me
Date Written: Sept. 5 2010
Location: The Davidson Library at UCSB
As I was walking in the study room to do my Math 5C homework, I noticed an incredibly attractive girl walking in before me. At first glance she was a minimum 4 star but after talking with her more I think her rating should go up to at least a 4.5 star (If your wondering what these ratings mean I use a revised version of the Tucker Max rating system which you can check out at his website, its seriously way better than the 1 to 10 rating system). She is tall, not taller than me, has brown hair, is white, and is wearing a kind of asian style eyeliner. As she walked in I immediately noted where she sat and promptly sat down across from her (this was not in any way an overt move because there were no other completely empty tables, which, had I no interest in her, I probably would have sat at). I decided to initiate passive game on her. I start out by doing my work for about 15 min, then realize I am hungry and want to go eat. I ask the girl across from me (the girl who I mentioned earlier in case you dumbfucks weren’t paying attention) how long she is going to be here. She says “awhile” and offers to watch my stuff.
I leave to get some food for about 40 min and return to the study room. I sit down and ask her
“how’s it coming along?”
She gives one of those “meh” looks and says “eh not that well”
I laugh a little, smile, and reply with “well you have to stop checking your facebook updates every 5min.”
She maybe chuckled at that but I’m not quite sure. Anyway that conversation pretty much ended, which was actually what I had intended. Since this was passive game I went back to my work. After about 45min to an hour I was pretty much done with my work but left one or two easy problems to have somewhat of an excuse to stay there and spit game.
I look over at her and say
“Any progress?”
She is not looking at me and to top it off she was listening to her headphones. She takes off her headphones and says “I’m sorry, what?”
I smile “I said have you made any progress?”
“meh not really”
I laugh and say “alright well what are you studying?”
I half expect a curt answer but she says that she is studying a paper on Richard Nixon, or something like that. She said that she gets angry that history has labeled him as a horrible president when he was actually pretty good. Boys, it seems like we have an intellectual to deal with here. Now I’m not an expert at game because I happen to only by 18 years old, but I do know that it is important to not look like a dumbass when talking to an intellectual girl so I replied with
“well he did rig an election.”
“No he didn’t”
“I thought the Watergate scandal was about him trying to rig the election.”
“No Watergate was a scandal that Nixon tried to cover up but was not actually involved in.”
After looking it up on Wikipedia she turned out to be right. So operation not looking like a dumbass failed miserably. However I decide to not be such a pussy and give up to easily so I explain to her that I actually admire Richard Nixon because he was a man who came from nothing, was defeated numerous times and was eventually elected president of the United States. She agrees with me. Good save Lloyd, Good save.
I found out that she does not even go to UCSB and that she is a senior at Duke University. She lives here in Santa Barbara and is taking classes for the summer. I found out she loves the same shows as me Its Always Sunny, Archer, and she is a fan of Entourage. This confused me because Entourage is blatantly a guy show, and lets be honest the only reason why any guy watches Entourage is so they can get a glimpse of the luxury lifestyle that celebrities lead when they accomplish their dreams while the viewer’s shithole of a life will never come close to it. But I inquire as to why she likes such a show. In her own words
“It’s got fast cars, money, and sex what’s not to like?”
I like this girl. (And for the dummies not paying attention the fact that she even brought up sex with me is a GOOD thing) I also find out that she watches Star Wars habitually, and is in a sorority. Upon hearing her interests I playfully comment
“So let me get this straight, you watch Entourage and Star Wars habitually, and you like fast cars, money and sex…. Your boyfriend must be a very happy guy.”
She replies “Well he was… Until I dumped his ass.”
And it… is…. ON!
Let me take a minute to explain to those mentally retarded in social interaction that this is a MASSIVE indicator of interest. Had she not wanted me to know she was single she would have laughed and not answered the statement or agreed with it and started talking about this boyfriend, or ignored the statement entirely. But she made it blatantly clear that she was single and thus essentially handed me a handwritten invitation to hit on her further. I accept the invitation. And continue to spit game.
I find out that her ex- boyfriend was not “a looker” but he was “funny as fuck.” So I decide to show her how funny I can be and unleash witty one liner Lloyd. For those of you who have hung out with me in certain situations you know that when I am bored or just feel like it I will practically go into my own comedic routine, making fun of everything that I hear or see that I can think of a joke for and rip on everything that mildly annoys me. Now I don’t mean to brag but I’ve had girls reduced to tears when I am in this state before (these are tears of laughter not sadness by the way gentlemen). But my game was most definitely not cutting it that day and she only seriously broke out laughing a few times, most of the time I got chuckles from her. Great. It annoys me when people don’t laugh at my jokes, I’m hilarious… Laugh!
Anyway since “witty one liner Lloyd” seemed to be doing about as well as the Hindenburg did on its maiden voyage I decided to be “vague and aloof Lloyd.” This is what people do when they want to feign wisdom and act smart when they really don’t know jack shit. That seemed to work alright I suppose. But there was a problem, the round table, I was sitting across from her with, wasn’t anywhere near intimate enough. I mean we were talking fairly loudly across the chasm that was separating us, and I would estimate that no less than everyone sitting in the immediate and non-immediate vicinity was listening to me blatantly hit on this girl. So when she asked me
“what are you doing?”
I replied with “I’m having trouble with this problem, here come take a look at it.”
And I walked over to her side and sat down so she could see my computer screen. Now we were right next to each other. Of course I knew she would never be able to come anywhere near to solving it, I mean she was smart and all but there is no way this political science girl had even passed college level calculus and this was advanced Multivariable Calculus. But say what you will it got me where I wanted.
Anyway now that we are in a more intimate setting she starts talking about how she was involved in research. I asked what she did and she said that she was part of a project that tested subjects to find out the negative effects of cocaine. She said that the long term effects were harmful but for the occasional recreational user the effects were negligible. It was nothing I didn’t already know, but I acted interested. We talk more about the drugs we’ve done and the ones we liked and didn’t like. I like this girl even more.
Anyway she started showing me her sorority pictures and commenting on how stupid the girls in there are. Finally a fellow girl who understands that sororities are just like brothels, except of course without the dignity. She shows me one picture (and this is where it gets interesting) of a kinda chubby nerdy guy with a jewfro. He is standing right next to her and I can kinda tell from the picture that this guy is into her. She points at him and says
“That’s Mike Posner.”
“Mike Posner!?” I say “The guy whose song “Cooler than Me” is a nationwide hit and is now charting in the top ten of the billboard hot 100?!”
“yeah he went to Duke.” She laughs “He had a little bit of a crush on me for most of the school year.”
I laugh even harder and then say “Then you’re the girl then.”
“The what?”
“The girl whose cooler than him”
“Oh no, I’m definitely not the girl, my roommate swears it’s her.”
Upon hearing this I do not hesitate to probe further, and by the end of the conversation I was 95% sure that she was indeed the girl. I mean during the conversation she told me that after he got famous he tried blatantly to pull her back into a hotel room, but she wouldn’t go. And after hearing him talk about it in interviews, I’m pretty sure she’s the girl that inspired the song (By the way if you’ve never heard the song, listen to it and you’ll know what I’m talking about).
I tease her about it for a bit. And am secretly laughing about it in my head that I have the girl whose the subject of one of the most popular songs in the nation right now. We keep talking and I can’t help but think of a million ways this could go wrong. I mean I have picked up girls who were older than me before. If you guys are wondering I don’t know her exact age but obviously she was at least as old as Posner, who is 22, if anyone is wondering. But from looking at her she was probably 23… I am 18 and the most famous person I ever met was Leonard Susskind, ever heard of him? Didn’t think so.
But my friend invited me to party and I was done with my work and I knew it was important to end on a high note. So I began packing up my stuff, and she said
“Are you leaving?”
“Yes”
She replied “Well I’d ask for your facebook, but I know you never sign on.” (Which I told her earlier, and its true I almost never sign on anymore)
I laugh and say “Well how about we get coffee sometime instead?”
She smiles and says “Sure, do you want my number.”
I smile back give her my phone. She puts her number. Mission accomplished! Now time to pretend like I do this all the time and walk out. Afterwards I send her a text message. I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was something like this
Lloyd: Hey its Lloyd so you won’t have a stranger messaging you latr
Bianca (This is not her real name by the way gents): Haha I know you’re a physics major and all but I hate to break it to you its spelled “later”
Lloyd: I hate to break it to you but I don’t preoccupy myself with grammatical rules when I am texting. J
The smiley is important by the way. She never responded which is fine considering it was not at all indicative of a response. Anyway this happened on a Thursday, I waited four days because I wanted to see her during the week and I sent her a text message asking her if she wanted to get coffee the next day. She never responded, I text her again not with the same question but with just a generic funny statement. She doesn’t respond. I send her a friend request on facebook, signing on for the first time in two months, and she still doesn’t respond. What the fuck?! I mean we talked for no less than two hours, she abandoned her studying completely just to talk to me and agreed to meet me on a date. I seriously have no idea why she did this. Whoever is reading this if you have any idea why she didn’t respond to me then please I am all ears. Because for the moment, at least, I guess I’m just going to have to assume that she thinks she’s Cooler Than Me
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